Minus the City: Prepared to Get Some



Just this past week a good friend of mine introduced me to something I never thought would be all about sex: The Golden Girls. Other than me being slightly embarrassed about lik­ing the show, simply put, they are rather slutty, raunchy old ladies.

Even our rowdiest Raider would have a hard time keeping up with their sexploits. I would have never thought about all of the ways in which sex becomes more complicated as one gets older.

Not looking forward to the day when that re­ality sets in? Good thing you don’t have to think about it for a long time!

While watching the show, what comes through often with their witty dialogue is that in relation to sex, they get worried about it.

Understandable – you don’t have to be an old lady to hope that you’re fresh and ready for whatever comes your way. They talk it out, come up with plans and always get the guy in the sack. My inner Boy Scout is constantly reminding me to be prepared (and also to tie partners up, but you don’t have to listen to that), and that’s the best advice I can give you coming up on SPDubs.

Get sweet. I lived in France once: showering is sometimes optional. Unless it’s a beer shower, it can be that way some weekends too. Cologne or perfume – what the French invented to avoid bathing – should be close at hand to seal the deal. You might be a mess, but at least you can smell like you’re put together.

Better yet, shower together; it’s more fun that way. Being sweet can also come from your diet. To impress a guy, one of my girlfriends ate nothing but pineapple for a week, and he gave her quite a bit of face time to show his thanks. This works with both women and men, and for something to keep in mind during the coming weekend: beer makes you bitter, Mike’s makes you sweeter.

Keep it stocked. Your place, their place or some random place? (Yes, I see you on the Rugby pitch.) All have their pros and cons, but if you’re able to swing it right, getting back to your room gives you the home field advantage. Before you go out and get crazy for the night, you’ll want to have all of your basic and advanced sexytime supplies available and at easy reach. Don’t be afraid to go beyond the condoms: get some whipped cream, grab those fuzzy handcuffs, have those hot undies on standby and ready your massage oils to keep it interesting and your partner excited.

Cover the bases. Unless one of you works for ResLife, find­ing that open room could be a challenge. Text your roommates, plead if you need to and lock the door: they still don’t ever want to see you naked. If you’re a forgetful person and this is a first-time meet­ing, find a clever way to remember the other person’s name.

Write it down, spell it out to the tune of Bingo; just don’t be the jerk who calls them by your professor’s name mid-coitus. And what if you need a distraction to get rid of your dirty laundry or your roommate’s unicorn collection? Tease them a little bit, make them excited and then send them on a quick mission to get you a glass of water or something. If you did the job right, you’ll only have a hot second to get every­thing in order, but by then they’ll probably be too obsessed with you to notice the JT poster watching from your wall.

The last resort. Sometimes alcohol induced, sometimes not; things just don’t cooperate and you can’t get off. (Dr. Seuss would be proud.) The buck doesn’t have to stop there. Sometimes getting handsy or working your tongue out is the best option.

If you make the other person happy, chances are they’ll call you later on for more, and then you can show them your whole repertoire.

I would give you more show-specific tips, but we don’t live in Miami (it can be done, but outdoor sex is chilly) and most of you probably don’t have to worry about throwing out your hip during one of the weekend’s great concerts. Being prepared for this weekend (and every other one for that matter) is more helpful than the confidence Jim Beam can give you. Also, while some are struggling to complete their game, you’ll be working the circuit, enjoying everything about the weekend.

However, no matter how fond I am of the show and no mat­ter what anyone might say, please don’t play The Golden Girls in the background; Betty White’s more likely to ruin the mood than anything, that tricky devil.