The IM Commissioner’s Report: Year of the Cabezas

And that’s the ballgame. The Commish has entertained his legion of fans for years, but now this column comes to a close. I’d like to thank everyone who ever picked up a paper to read my drivel; you all are the best. From everyone who was polite to rude to me on the field, I’d like to thank you as well. It’s been a pleasure to serve as the IM Sports Commish for the past two years.

Enough of this melodramatic crap. The Commish has to talk playoff softball. First, let’s get some logistics out of the way. As I write this, it’s Wednesday. So the semifinals and finals will take place after this goes to print. Hence look for an update to this article on Tuesday on with awards as well. Also, apologies for no quotes this week; blame the internet.

Division I: Senior Eric “Julie the” Katz and No. 4 Cabezas A defeated junior Merrit “Cy Young” Jackley and No. 5 Phi Tau 8-7 in the quarterfinal round. The contest was heated, intense and the Commish’s last game as a referee or umpire. There was great pitching, timely hitting and solid defense on both sides. Phi Tau jumped out to a 6-0 lead off big hits from seniors David Sarfati and Jack Mengel, but the ‘Bezas stormed back and trailed only 7-6 going into the bottom of the seventh inning. Once there, Mike “Fish Eye” Ketcham delivered the game-tying blow, and Matt “Big Baby D” Donovan hit the sac fly to win the game. Connor “Cuttin’ Down The” Hedges slid home with the winning run.

The Commish started out of temporal order because this was the best game he’s seen on Whitnall in a very long time. In the first round, Phi Tau beat No. 12 Sigma Chi Riverhounds 10-0, No. 6 Cabezas B beat No. 11 PKT Boom Squad 5-1 in a defensive battle that saw Web Gems from senior Arthur “A.J.” Ross on the ‘Bezas and Mitch “La Maquina Del Sexo” Waxman on PKT Boom. No. 8 Beta defeated No. 9 Theta Chi Gold 3-2 in a defensive battle, and No. 7 Sigma Chi B came all the way from a 9-5 seventh inning deficit to defeat No. 10 Wu Tang Clan 10-9, with the big hits coming from the sophomore Basketball Bash Brothers Nick Pascale and Brett Marfurt.

In the quarterfinals, senior pitcher Jason “J Willy Style” Williams continued his MVP season with a one-hit shutout of Beta, as the No. 1 Norbs won 10-0. In a battle of the Sigmas, the senior-laden A team came out on top 19-11 over the young guns on the B squad. The big upset of the day, however, took place on the Dana Field, as Cabezas B used an eight-run third inning to defeat the No. 3 Heavyweights 8-4.

Division II: There were some pretty bad games in the quarterfinal round. No. 9 Theta Chi Dolphins advanced via forfeit, No. 5 Childos defeated No. 12 Gate and Company 11-0, No. 6 Charging Rhinos won over No. 11 No Glove, No Love 10-0 and No. 7 Phi Tau Jesus defeated No. 10 Nice Time Guys 20-9.

Since they asked for it, I will now devote a section of this column to Phi Tau Jesus. Gentlemen, you were easily the most absurd team I’ve ever witnessed on a softball diamond, Starr Rink ice, or Huntington basketball court. I applaud your patriotism to our great country with your American-themed outfits, as well as the homage to 1986 with the Adidas Jumpsuits. In particular, the Commish has seen no greater play than when senior Bobby “Rick James” LeGaye made the Web Gem of this Colgate generation when he caught a fly ball in right field by using his jacket as a glove. I saw it, but I still don’t believe it. All the best in your future endeavors.

In the quarterfinals, No 2 Balls Deep beat Phi Tau Jesus 8-0. No. 1 Phi Delt withstood a serious challenge from the Theta Chi Dolphins and won 12-9. No. 4 $crubbz overcame a 5-0 first-inning deficit by winning 7-6 over the Childos, backing up Andrew McCormick’s claim at the press conference last week.

The game of the day featured No.3 Cabezas C and the Charging Rhinos, though. Junior Michael Cruz hit a grand slam for the ‘Bezas, but sophomore Matt “Big Z” Zaringhalam and first-year Adam “Settler” Settle had timely hits for the Rhinos as well. The ‘Bezas led 12-11 going into the last inning, but the Rhinos scored two in the top half. Not to be deterred, a two-out single scored the winning run for the ‘Bezas and gave them a 14-13 win.

Division III: There were no upsets in the first round, as No. 6 I’d Hit That, No. 7 SBW and No. 8 Staff Infection all advanced to the quarterfinals. In that round, No. 1 Prince’s Juice and No. 2 Mighty Dutch advanced, while the Commish’s Tofu career ended in a devastating 17-15 loss to No. 5 Victorious Secret, as sophomore David Kuntzman hit two three-run homers.