Party Like a Rockstar, Play Like an All-Star

Party Like a Rockstar, Play Like an All-Star

Barry Rothbard

I’m in a catatonic shock that Duke won this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament and are absolutely loaded next year (Seth Curry and Kyrie Irving are actually going to be hard to hate). But ESPN has beaten the Butler-Duke duel to death. And I ate some bad Chinese food after last night’s game and the only research I am capable of is www.drunkathlete.com.

I like to party. And so do the pros. Let’s be real. One-third of the first round picks in this year’s NFL draft pick openly admit they smoke or have smoked marijuana. After a big win or a tough loss and especially in the off-season, many of our icons and role models blow off steam by partying like the rock stars they are. That said, my time at Colgate is almost out, and while I may leave the Keystone Lights behind me, the party within me will remain. So farewell, the Old Stone Jug. Hello Ibiza, Miami, Vegas and wherever the party’s at and the drinking age may actually be enforced. And these are the athletes I plan on bringing the ruckus to the clubs with:

10. Nate Robinson: Have you seen this man dance? I repeat, have you seen this man dance? The only reason to go to a Knick game (aside from the city dancers and Carvel) was to watch Nate dance in the pre-game warm-ups. Lots of gyrating. Lots of swag-surfing. Lots of unintentional comedy. And a potential dance-off

featuring yours truly and Nate the Great.

9. Lionel Messi: He’s the best soccer player in the world, and even if he doesn’t know how to funnel a beer or know a word of English, I simply don’t care. The guy’s definitely a chick magnet, and unlike most athletes on this list, I wouldn’t look that absurd hanging with him. I think Lionel knows how to kick it. He also comes from a country that calls Buenos Aires its capital. Uhh, yeah. I’d watch the sun rise with Lionel messed up after a night of some Argentinian discoteca…

8: John Wall: He’s not in college anymore. Let’s be real. He’s going out every night, crunching Jack Daniels and chasing tail more than an orange basketball. And he’s got the hottest dance move around. No one’s going to be making fun of me for doing the John Wall dance if I’m with John Wall. Besides maybe John Wall. But I’m okay with that.

7. Rasheed Wallace: If you’ve seen the Chapelle’s Show skit with ‘Sheed and Damon Stoudemire, you have an idea why he’s on here. Plus, every now and then, I like some volatile, unpredictable behavior to diversify my partying. With ‘Sheed on board, who knows what could happen?

6. Elizabeth Lambert and Brittany Griner: Lambert is the YouTube sensation from New Mexico’s women’s soccer team that literally took down any BYU player in her vision. Griner also threw a mean haymaker this season for Baylor’s women’s basketball team. I don’t think anyone would mess with me with these two damsels by my side.

5. Kyle “the Bottle” Orton: His nickname is “the Bottle.” Based on the pictures of him online, in which he either has a bottle to his face or a look of sweaty drunkenness attached to him, this man clearly is a tank, as his nickname indicates.

4. Ryan Braun: What? You didn’t think I was going to put a Jew on this list? I don’t know if he parties or how hard. But we could hit up some Friday night services, light up menorahs and drink lots of Manischewitz together. I hear he chants a mean Dayeynu and makes a killer potato pancake. And he wouldn’t be a bad wingman either. Who needs J-Date when you have Ryan Braun at your side?

3. Allen Iverson: I recently heard a story about A.I. He was in Atlantic City on a Saturday morning, at the blackjack tables with his mom and uncle—not playing, but observing. Clearly intoxicated, A.I. abruptly mutters “excuse me,” then stands up, takes out his penis, and proceeds to urinate in a potted plant right next to the table. That’s pretty fratty. I know A.I. is going through some rough times, but a night out on the town with a responsible man like me would bring The Answer’s spirits right up.

2. Jeff Reed: He’s the place-kicker for the Pittsburgh Steelers. And he’s one hell of a partier. Not only does Reed look like “The Situation” from MTV’s Jersey Shore—he is one. He’s also loyal, and will sacrifice his own well-being for his friends. Just this past season, Reed was arrested and charged with assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public intoxication for backing up a backup tight end (Matt Spaeth) who was getting hit with a urinating in public citation (that actually happens in the real world too). I don’t know if I could hang poolside with the Reedux and his six-pack, but I sure as hell wouldn’t mind crushing one or five with him.

1. Tiger Woods: This athlete presents me with the best opportunity to experience three words that I have long dreamt about since I first heard them uttered in a classic Seinfeld episode: ménage a trois. And he can hook me up with any prescription drug on the planet. I’d look jacked, feel no pain and be able to fall asleep. Let’s get crunk, El Tigre.

Honorable Mentions: Chad Ochocinco (he doesn’t drink!), Adam Pacman Jones (the CFL doesn’t count in my rankings), David McIntyre (doesn’t go out enough), Donte Stallworth (he would’ve been suspended for a semester, at least), Tim Tebow (joke, I’m pro-partying), John Daly (if only he still had the gut), Greg Oden (I can’t compete with that) and LeBron James (I don’t think he drinks much, and he’s just too jacked for me to stand next to in a club).