The Commissioner’s Report: IM Softball Rules Whitnall

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Paul Kasabian

The Commish is confused for so many reasons. Why is there no dominant team this season? Who would name a team Defenseless Baby Seals? Why does love always feel like a battlefield? How can the Commish be hitting 2-for-10 with one RBI? Why does the Commish always speak in the third person like Rickey Henderson?

The Commish doesn’t know, but what he does know is that nothing on this campus is better than playing Intramural softball on a sunny, 80-degree day in April. Here is a recap of this glorious sport thus far.

League A: Junior Brian Day hit two home runs against the Heavy Weights on Tuesday as the Norbs propelled themselves into a three-way tie for first place. The Commish is going on the record and changing his MVP pick to Day. If the team chemistry is solid and senior Ethan Cox’s knuckleball continues to knuckle, the Norbs should be the favorite. Senior Jason Williams agrees.

“I just want to say that we are the best team in the league,” Williams confidently said. “We lost to the second best team by only three runs and half our team was in the bag, if you know what I mean. So I feel a repeat will be coming.”

The Commish doesn’t know what in the bag means, but he has ideas.

That game in question was Cabezas A’s 9-6 win against the Norbs, but the ‘Bezas followed that up with a 15-11 loss against Sigma Chi A. This might turn out to be a big loss, because Sigma Chi A and the ‘Bezas are playing for the Troy Somero All-Intramurals trophy.

Speaking of Sigma Chi A, which is 1-2 on the year, Sigma Wolfpack leader and Intramural god Peter Smith had this to say to the Commish.

“We lost a tough opener against [Heavy Weights] and then dropped another against Phi Tau, but we have rebounded nicely winning convincingly against Las Cabezas. Senior Jameson Fauver had the game of his life going 4-4 with three homers and a double, totaling 8 RBIs. We also had nice defensive play in the middle by seniors Chris Koontz and Rob Linehan. Senior Evan Berman had one of the best plays of the season thus far with a bare handed catch in foul territory going into the bushes in front of the HOP.”

Cabezas A is 2-1 and has games against Sigma Chi B and Phi Tau coming up, though neither team can be counted out.

“Sigma Chi B is getting hard at the right time. You can count on that,” Sigma Chi B sophomore captain Chris Caracciolo said.

Senior Paul Mancuso of the Heavy Weights currently is winning the race for the Eric Tupta award, as he hit an absolute shot from the field nearest Reid to the field neareast the old Phi Tau. The Commish estimates that the ball traveled 850 feet in the air.

League B: Cabezas B leads this league with a 3-1 record, with wins over Wu Tang Clan, Beta and Sigma Chi Riverhounds. Wu Tang Clan is also en fuego, and senior Eric Toribio is second in the Tupta race as he hit a home run from the Dana Arts Center to the trees by Route 12B.

Beta is 1-2 but Barry “Bad As I Wanna Be” Rothbard believes the team is better than their record indicates.

“IM softball is so wonderful because I do so little yet get so much out of it,” Rothbard said. “I play catcher, a position that requires zero physical exertion. And I mash. We had a tough defeat this week. A recent scheduling blip and an economics exam have really disturbed our groove. But we’ll bring the ruckus soon enough.”

They better bring the ruckus really soon.

Theta Chi Gold is on fire as of late, led by senior mashers Jeremy Fisher and Jon Bryer as well as junior strikeout machine Ethan Levitt.

League C: Influenced by the movie Dodgeball no doubt, Balls Deep is currently undefeated at 2-0 as of Wednesday and talking a big game.

“We have benefited from clutch hitting and solid defense thus far, with everyone contributing,” sophomore captain and shortstop Ben Arledge said. “You heard it here first, sophomore Mike “Hot Hands” Hoogland will win the Cy Young this year, no doubt.” Arledge went on to wax poetic about his team’s offense, pitching, fielding and defense from a variety of sophomores, including Niko “Captain America” Furnald, Derek Scott, Dan Gerber, JD Alexander, Ollie Endicott, Ryan Hughes, Alex Doering, John Dohse, Eric Spencer, Wes Testo and Mike Britton.

Hoogland pitched six innings of one-run ball in a 3-1 win over Sack Lunch, and big bats led to a 12-8 win over Theta Chi Dolphins.

Elsewhere around the league, many games need to be played out in order to determine a true second-place team so far. Sack Lunch seems to be the favorite there, but Phi Delt A–led by junior Eric Conocenti and senior Brett Butler—seem to be favorites to finish in the first division too.

League D: $crubbz, led by Mclain Roth, is far and away the best first-year team this season. They have a great mix of hitting and fielding and will finish in first place barring a defensive meltdown or two. Many D League games got cancelled because of the thunderstorm Tuesday so it’s unknown as to what other contenders will emerge in this division.

“We are looking to pregame a few matches so we can lull our opponents into a false sense of security for the playoffs,” $crubbz first-year Spencer Staley said.

League E: The junior squad Prince’s Juice and first-year team Mighty Dutch are the front runners this season. Victorious Secret, Comets and I’d Hit That are straddling the middle, while Killer Tofu is in last place at 0-3. In a 13-2 win over Victorious Secret, the Comets’ Lyle Roelofs hit a shot over an outfielder’s head. Furthermore, the Comets are known for their wooden bat, brought to the field by Professor Bruce Selleck. Two notable games that occurred include the Mighty Dutch’s 6-3 win over Killer Tofu and 10-8 win over Victorious Secret. Tofu, led by the Commish in relief pitching duty, had a 2-0 lead after four innings but could not hold on. The next week Mighty Dutch held an 8-2 lead against Victorious Secret before home runs by sophomores TJ Ake and Bo Montanye helped them roar back to a tie at eight. Mighty Dutch pulled away late and won though.

“With our strong curveball pitching, big armed batters and web gem fielding we are well primed to make some noise and maybe bring back a championship for the pink and blue,” Victorious Secret captain Bo Montanye said.

League F: The favorites to win this league are Staff Infection and SBW, which recently posting crushing wins over opponents. Das Annex, Defenseless Baby Seals and Sultans of Swat will fight for third.

The Commish Award Watch: As said before, the Commish likes Brian Day to win the Division I MVP. Cox is still the favorite for the Cy Young, while senior Evan Berman is on the fast track for Garrett Ley Warrior of the Year for diving into the bushes for a foul catch. The D-I Tupta will go to either Mancuso or Toribio so far, as official mathematical measurements have not yet come in. In D-II, my early MVP is Roth, while I like junior Chris Schwartz for the Cy Young. The Garrett Ley award will go to someone who plays with an excruciating injury, but the winner of that is still unknown. The Commish just might play favorites and give it to himself.The D-II Tupta will go to the kid who hit a bomb off me last Friday. That was embarrassing.