The Minority Report: Rowdy and Raucous – Raiders on Spring Break

I was recently considering our college, this rural dwelling, Camp Colgate which we all call home. Two thousand eight hundred students live at sections of this hill – we hike up and down it during the week and then spill down its north face on our treks downtown.

Here at Colgate we are essentially free to do as we please. Some call it the Colgate bubble; some call it the boondocks, the deep end of Poolville.

This bubble, protective or simply floating in its own atmosphere, has a relentlessly impermeable shell which has kept us warm since 1819. But what happens when we leave these sheltered grounds and practice our habits elsewhere, what happens when we bring Colgate on break?

I fear for Colgate students as they leave for spring break, the perfect week to change our Gary Ross-approved records and sweet Bar Mitzvah smiles. We Colgaters are certainly the minority in this big world, and so I issue this article as more of a warning that what might pass on these premises may not, even 15 minutes off campus. We are blessed in our snow globe, this Snuggie of a society in which legal tender is of no value, where the face you made 15 minutes after waking up during freshmen orientation is all you need to survive. But sadly, our Gate Cards, like many other unique facets of Colgate lifestyle, do not translate off the hill.

We must always be cautioned that only at Colgate can you blindly step on a bus and know with complete certainty that it will eventually end up at your destination. Only at Colgate can you be caught underage drinking with a fake ID and be more excited to be in the school paper than worried about possible citations. And only at Colgate can you wave to professors wearing a T-shirt that says “loosest team in America.”

We must also keep in mind the concept of personal space – defined at Colgate by an inch and half from nostril to nostril, this practice of literally stepping on one another’s toes is very much a part of our culture. However it is this complete violation of personal space that makes it alright for us to push one another knowing that due to sheer human proximity, no one will ever even come close to hitting the floor. Any and all Jug related “etiquette” must remain on campus during spring break. You may not flying-roundhouse kick a door because you have to pee. Your 13 year old cousin may not get in to the bars, no matter how cute they are.

When eating late night and you drop your pizza cheese first on the ground – remember, not all floors are as trustworthy and clean as Slices. And although you may plead, sadly only at the Bacon can someone legally make a Mary’s Special.

I say all this with great love for Colgate. Loose in legal definition, brimming with fun – I send out this lighthearted caution to our students.

Unless of course you planning on going to Cancun. In this case, you should bring everything Cancun back to Colgate, including but not exclusive to STD foam parties, wet T-shirt contests and, of course, your spring fling, Juan. And remember, hearing “New York, New York” only signals the beginning of the night!

Have fun, be safe!