Minus the City: Ladies First

Mat Nittmann and Ben Shope

This week our rigorous “Minus the City” focus group testing has clued us in to some important sexual issues facing Colgate students. Freshmen worried about RA noise complaints, sophomores lamented there not being enough “study” rooms in the library and Pep Banders demanded more hand lotion in the bathrooms. Another hot topic heard from many women was a so-called “double standard” of the hookup scene. We fielded numerous concerns about looser standards for men, harsher judgments for women and so on. Fortunately, you concerned ladies can now ease your worried minds, because we are here to remind you just how good you have it after all.

First, a pro-active lady can theoretically go out every single night of the week and get some action, even when the Jug gets raided by Hampo in ski masks (who doesn’t love a man in a uniform?). Meanwhile, Colgate bros have to work hard for their conquests. Night after night we hone our natural wit and charm, spontaneously delivering smooth lines like, “Hey do you work at Subway? Cuz you just gave me a footlong!!” or “Screw me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Shaniqua?”.

Some guys must even create the illusion that they’re interested in more than sex, that they’re looking for a real connection. This can mean laughing at sub-par jokes and stories, or feigning interest in The Hills (OMG you’re so right I can’t believe Spencer made Heidi get all those surgeries! What a monster!!). Worst of all is when girls refuse to buy us drinks. Buying our own Appletinis, Blowjobs and Screaming Orgasms is about as underwhelming as the Lost season 6 premiere. Luckily, hearing girls say “that Blowjob tasted delicious” always puts a smile back on our faces.

The next arena where women take advantage of us is the dance floor. All the single ladies can dance their asses off together and it’s hot, but when guys try anything similar it’s all “no homo” this and “too many dicks on the dance floor!” that. When girls do eventually pull us in, we are toyed with by being given just the rear dancing view. We are left dreaming of brighter days of full frontal grinding, a day that may never come if we don’t get low, low, low enough. Meanwhile our girl gets to casually face away, high fiving her friends or Facebook poking dudes on her Blackberry. And the greatest dance floor tragedy of all is that girls are free to sing every word to “Hot’N’Cold,” but when us men try just one chorus section we get dirty looks.

Women’s forceful seduction of us is completed when they get us to the bedroom. There, we are swiftly pounced on, but we play along great and pretend not to mind the lack of foreplay. Ever the gentlemen, we are willing to strip off our layers and share our godlike physiques with the world. Also, guys are always ready for serious short-term commitment (read: DTF). But sometimes girls declare pesky “rules” and “boundaries” that may leave us frustrated and blue. More often the opposite occurs, with our women demanding two, even three raw love sessions in a row. Once the guy has been physically used, the girl grabs the covers, claim inner spoon, and falls softly to sleep, not realizing just how good she has it after all.