Minus the City: Raider Romance

Mat Nittmann and Ben Shope

Although Colgate hook-ups are not known for courtship and romance, a certain etiquette should be observed from the minute you leave the Jug up until your health services check-in a week later. Before heading back home from downtown, we first recommend taking your fancy date to Slices. On top of the lovely late-night ambiance, the parlor’s bright lights have the added benefit of helping you really get to know your new acquaintance. If they don’t meet expectations you have two options; lose them in the crowd, or ask the Slices staff for a brown paper bag and scissors. If you decide to stay, keep the table conversation light but sexually charged, for example, try holding sultry eye contact while slowly putting just the tip of a slice in your mouth. The innuendo of the moment should cause your date’s toes to curl.

Once you’ve finished up, your white chariot awaits, complete with faux-leather seats and a sober chauffeur. On a good night, the Cruiser even features live music and entertainment (we hope your new friend loves “Sweet Caroline” and “Olé Olé”). Before you know it you will have arrived at your destination of choice.

We recommend taking your date to your own place, even if you left your Busty Bangbus 9 DVD out again. A true rowdy raider should be prepared to encounter any situation as they open their door. At this point it’s difficult to mess things up, but make sure your roommate knows how to react when you bring that special someone home. If it’s a rare occurrence, make sure they don’t look too surprised. If you bring randoms home often, make sure you’re at peace with your roommate. It will end your night faster than a Campo bust if they start yelling “I won’t be sexiled for the eighth time this week!!”

Once you make it to your room, it’s time to reap the rewards of your home field advantage.You should have your best late-night iTunes playlist ready (ex. Ben Harper, Barry White, Rammstein), or just play “Sexy Bitch” on repeat. Also, get some mood lighting going. If you don’t have a snazzy table lamp, try using your computer. Just make sure you closed the video-Skype from your mom earlier.

Finally, stash a few clutch items to keep your bedroom game in top shape. We aren’t just talking about flavored condoms here, rather the items listed ahead are the Chuck and the Norris of bedroom essentials. First, a no-brainer: keep a can of Pam or other non-stick spray near your bed…more creative and much cheaper than KY jelly. You should also have a trash bag and Listerine ready, in case your cuddle-buddy decides to give those slices a second tasting. Also, always have a hammer and some duct tape at hand…for emergency bed repairs (or if they get too feisty). Last but not least, please do remember those condoms (MTV’s Teen Mom is a great show but you really don’t want to be the star).

Another word of caution: a distracting text from their roommate like “Hey im bieng gngbagned, watn in?” can totally spoil the mood. Reach over and turn off their cellphone. 

These are just some of the many ways you can romance your date all the way to the bedroom. If you do all these things right, your date’s inner freak should come out of hiding faster than an amnestied DKE. Or, if you’re having one of those off nights where you’ve blown it worse than Brett Favre (is that even possible?), at least we hear that Busty Bangbus 10 is coming out soon.