Minus the City: The Tiger in Us All

Mat Nittman and Ben Shope

Returning to Hamilton and seeing Colgate’s massive bulge of a campus spread eagled up ahead is always an exciting experience. The anticipation of having a new semester to unzip and enjoy should invigorate our New Year’s resolutions. These resolutions can fall into three categories. The possible: plowing more freshmen than Farmville artichokes. The difficult: avoiding that Pep Band member you felt up on the cruiser. And the impossible: starting a healthy long-term relationship at Colgate. Regardless, it is important to have a game plan in mind. Do you want better grades from that hunky Bio professor? Go on and hit that. And by ‘that,’ we mean your textbooks, of course.

A great role model has emerged in the media. Long a competitor on the golf course, Tiger Woods proved to be a formidable opponent on the mattress as well. For those of you who have been living under a rock watching Jersey Shore reruns, the Sparknotes version of the Tiger sex scandal is that the pro golfer was reported having an extramarital affair with a lovely and demure NYC socialite. As soon as this story broke, countless women came out claiming to have also scored Tiger’s clubs in their holes. Mr. Gatorade (is it in you?) is now laying low at an anonymous sex rehab center, probably chilling with fellow nymphos like Ron Jeremy or Miley Cyrus. Meanwhile Wood’s wife is no longer down to party in the USA, having left her hubby for her hometown in Sweden.

Tiger’s conduct, though occasionally played in the rough, makes him an ideal example for Colgate. Woods, like Colgate students, had a reputation to uphold. For years he kept dozens, perhaps thousands, of taboo sexcapades quiet from the public. Keeping a sound public image on the chatty Colgatecampus is easily as challenging a goal. Eyes and ears are everywhere, even in the hand-holding and Kumbaya-singing halls of East. People you don’t know can probably recite your most shameful stories in 3D Avatar levels of detail. Tiger is also to be admired for his time management skills. Sleeping with over a dozen women and also finding time to stay on top of his game is a scheduling nightmare. But seriously, a hookup can take a very long time, especially if your partner wants to spoon or cry afterwards. To this end, we suggest you keep an empty birdcage somewhere in the room. As soon as you’re finished, look over and scream “oh my god my pet tarantula escaped!”. Your unwelcome hookup will show themselves out. Finally, Tiger should also be commended for his diverse array of hookups, having swung his clubs with women from all over the country. No matter whether you’re soulsearching for Mr. Wholesome or just wanting a bad, bad romance, we recommend spreading the love around. Try a Greek, try a Spartan, try a Ski teamer… just please no Pep Banders.

At the moment, Mr. Woods has checked himself into a sex rehab clinic, where our in-field reporter tells us that he is working it with fellow patients like it’s the Master’s Cup. Like Tiger, many of the most successful people throughout history have enjoyed sinking their balls in many holes. Bill Clinton, Cleopatra, Einstein, even Martin Luther King were all famous for their shenanigans. By checking back into Colgate University, you are putting your own mushroom stamp on the face of history.