Dear Readers,

I am entirely too lazy to write a witty (in my view) Commish Report filled with hilarious jokes within the scope of a fantastic article (only fantastic in my mom’s opinion). After writing a 1,750 word ECAC Hockey preview and helping launch an awesome (in everyone’s opinion) new Maroon-News website (which you should check out right now) this week, I have no energy. Therefore, I am handing the reigns of soccer’s Commish Report to the players that made this year’s IM Soccer season its most successful yet. So, we are turning this space into a soccer awards show, and giving the esteemed players the chance to speak out on their behalf. The question and answer section is below the summary.

First and foremost, here’s a quick playoff recap. 10 teams were in Division I, while five played in Division II.

Division I First Round: No. 7 Theta Chi defeated No. 10 Wu Tang Clan 1-0 in a fun first round game. Senior Karl “Sweet Potato” Fries scored the game winning goal with minutes left. Fries had picked up a friend at the airport, so he showed up late to the party and scored a goal. Karma no doubt led to Fries scoring the goal. What a Good Samaritan and great American. The Commish predicted to Theta Chi beforehand that Fries would score the goal and that Tach would win 1-0, so props to my predicting abilities as well (do me a favor and don’t look at my Beat the Experts Week though). No. 9 RIP Gluten beat No. 8 Sigma Chi B in PK’s in a high-scoring affair. Unfortunately, the Commish has trouble counting past three so he does not recall the score of the game.

Division I Quarterfinals: No. 5 Phi Delt defeated No. 4 C4 1-0, avenging a 2-2 tie to that squad earlier in the year. No. 2 Beta held off a pesky Theta Chi squad 2-1, as Barry “Bad As I Wanna Be” Rothbard scored two goals. No. 1 Cabezas defeated No 9 RIP Gluten 1-0, but the big upset came when No. 6 It’s Not Pretty Being Easy beat No. 3 Sigma Chi A 1-0, dethroning the defending champs. Unbelievable.

Division I Semis: Cabezas beat the shifty and quick Phi Delt 2-0, while Beta beat It’s Not 1-0, ending the Cinderella story of IM sports thus far.

Division I Finals: Cabezas 1, Beta 0 off a late goal from senior Joe “Quiet Sniper” McGovern.

Division II First Round: No. 4 Killer Tofu 6, No. 5 Cougars 0. Paul “Steamin’ Armenian” Kasabian scores one goal with three minutes left, after his team set him up the entire game to score, ending a two-year scoreless streak.

Division II Semifinals: No. 2 FC Alpha Q 2, No. 3 Victorious Secret 0. No. 1 Reptar 8, Killer Tofu 2. I don’t want to talk about that game.

Division II Finals: FC Alpha Q avenges an early-season loss to Reptar, defeating them 2-1 in the finals. The first-year squad was solid all-around, with nary a weakness in their game. I think they will be contending for the Division I title in a few years.

And now, without further ado, the interviews with the superstars. All correspondence was through the wonderful world of G-mail.

MVP Joe “Quiet Sniper” McGovern

Take the readers through your game-winning goal step by step, and what you were thinking as it happened.

“There was about one minute left in the game and the score was all tied up at 0-0.  We had a throw-in from around half-field that senior Adam Zimmerman flicked in my direction. When I received the ball I had my back to the goal but realized there was only one defender and a goalie between myself and my first intramural championship. I made a quick turn to beat the defender and, though off balance, managed to put the ball just below the crossbar and out of reach of the keeper.”

What does it feel like to be the best?

“Well Paul, I’ve put a lot of effort into intramural sports over the last four years and it feels great to finally have it pay off. It’s nice to be able to walk off the field at the end of the day knowing that you gave it your all, and that it was enough.”

Besides yourself, what other factors led to Las Cabezas winning the ‘ship?

“Las Cabezas had so many weapons it’s hard to pick out just a few. This being said, I think our rookie goalie Geoff Hauck, our rock solid captain Kevin Macios and our leading scorer Adam Zimmerman all deserve shout outs.”

Geoff “Caped Crusader” Hauck, Rookie of the Year and Goalie of the Year.

How much of your overall athletic success do you contribute to Bergen Catholic High Phys Ed class with John Direnzo and Derf Stengel/serious wiffleball and basketball games senior year?

“Well you know, Paul, I’ve taken pride in trying too hard in gym class for the past eight years of my life. I figure you can only re-live the glory days for so many years before things start going down hill. I have always aspired to be that old guy trying way too hard in adult kickball leagues and I think I am well on my way to achieving that goal.”

Was there any controversy between you and fellow Cabezas goalie Christov Churchward this season, or were you both able to peacefully reconcile your differences and be part of a good platoon in net?

“Christov and I had a great relationship. I think we made the switch more due to the fact that we thought Christov would be a better asset to us on the sidelines as a cheerleader than us thinking I would be a semi-decent goalie. That, and Christov made for a really lousy goalie.”

You made some great saves. Do you have a favorite?

Unfortunately I can’t take credit for my play this season. King Kevin James Macios IV, dat old Fisheye, and that Goth kid Keith Tabin really made it easy for me back there. Without them I probably would have been exposed as the fraud I am. Most of the time I was just trying to make glove saves and get the paddle down. This was IM Hockey right?

Barry “Bad As I Wanna Be” Rothbard, Barry Rothbard Red Card Award.

A Beta player asked if I could give you a yellow card during your game against Theta Chi, even though I wasn’t reffing the game and just watching, and even though you weren’t really doing anything at the time. How do you feel about that?

“Damn it feels good to be a gangster.”

Despite an excellent playoff run, Beta came up short in the finals. Did Las Cabezas get into your head with the Darryl Strawberry-esque Barry chants during that game?

“Psh. I’ve heard a lot worse said about me than that. I only get into my own head. If anything, the chants just made me want to win even more. Unfortunately, my lack of speed, misplaced header and cigarette issues prevented this from occurring.”

Despite serious team chemistry issues, you excelled this season on a personal level, scoring two goals against Theta Chi and setting up one in the semis. How were you able to do this even though you didn’t get along with anyone on your team?

“I had a love/hate relationship with my teammates. I loved them, they hated me. Sure, I sometimes get lost in the heat of the moment and the animal within me gets unleashed. My teammates misunderstood me at times, and I took the role of captain too far at times. I even bought them all Rolexes after our loss, just to prove how much they meant to me.”

Do you like being the Dennis Rodman/Chad Ochocinco of IM Sports, or do you just feel that you’re misunderstood?

Considering Dennis Rodman is my idol and Ochocinco is the man, I don’t like, I love being compared to them.  I bring “da ruckus.” As the Worm says, “you can love me or you can hate me.”

“Al”most Valuable Player Michael “The Next Quiet Sniper” Kelly

Take your fans through your upset over Sigma Chi A.

“When your team doesn’t concede any goals, then all you need is one to win.  Luckily we scrapped one out against Sigma on the counter attack, and then the defense just held strong against the best attacking team in the league.”

Will you be the champs next year?

“As for next year, the league I think will be very competitive again, with the frats all having good soccer pledge classes. But anyone who has seen us play knows that we got unlucky this year and we will be in the championship next year.”

The Garrett Ley Warrior of the Year, Chris “Warrior” Gonnella

How does it feel to win this award?

“It feels incredible to be named the Garrett Ley Warrior of the Year. It’s truly an honor.”

Do you have any comments on Barry? Was he detrimental to the team’s success, or did this team need him to make the finals?

“In terms of Barry, he was hard to deal with at times. He’s a very vocal player and he struggled to find a balance between motivating fellow players and simply pissing them off. But he was vital to our success, especially in the playoffs. He scored two crucial goals [against Theta Chi]. Cabezas did a great job shutting him down in the finals. We really struggled to do anything on offense, which you have to tip your cap to Kevin Macios, the best defensive player in the league.”

RIP Gluten 4, Reptar 3 in OT. Game of the Year. RIP Gluten had only four players for most of game.

Reptar, Team Name of the Year.

Raipher “Raipher” Pellegrino, 1 on 6 Award for beating six defenders en route to scoring a playoff goal against Reptar.

Look for a short 4 x 4 recap next week, an IM Basketball first half review in December,and Intramural Sportscenter videos on the Maroon-News website coming soon.