As Lindsey Lohan so aptly stated in Mean Girls, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” This week’s column is an ode to the slutty costumes you probably saw on Broad Street last night. This might not sound like the most feminist point of view, but let us explain:

Yes, some girls have a tendency to use Halloween as an excuse to dress as scantily clad religious figures (angels, devils, nuns, priests, Eves), animals (cats, mice, bumblebees, ladybugs, bunnies), occupations (nurses, police officers, fire…women, flight attendants, French maids, waitresses) and fairy tale characters (Alices, Mermaids, fairies, witches). However, this attire is not always for the benefit of male libido. Sometimes, a girl just wants to look hot. And like Lindsey said, Halloween is her night.

That being said, neither of us wore particularly slutty clothing this Halloween. In fact, we overheard a girl tell her friend that she should not be a beer keg because she had to look hot. This article is about the freedom of expression. While we’re all about women expressing their sexuality, if you happen to think of an absolutely hilarious or creative costume that would not necessarily be figure-flattering, we say go for it.

So we’ve covered the basics of the female Halloween costume. Now let’s put our lesson to good use. In day-to-day life, most couples might not be completely open to the idea of role-playing. However, Halloween is an excellent time to assume the alter ego you’ve always fantasized about. Think about it, you’re already in the costume, it’s not awkward. Additionally, there are literally thousands of amazing combinations at Colgate alone: a bunny and a hunter, a tampon and a pregnant nun (or a vampire, gross), George W. Bush and a member of the Taliban, ketchup and a hotdog, Derek Jeter and Manny Ramirez (if baseball did not exist, this might be acceptable), Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, pregnant Britney Spears and a dirty Martini and the list goes on (NOTE: we have, in fact, seen examples of every one of these costumes).

Even if the man of your dreams is not dressed in a complementary costume to your own, there is no excuse to leave role-play out of the bedroom. So grab that hunky Umpa Lumpa, tell him he’s been naughty and have your way with him.

Happy Halloween! We apologize for the brief article, but we need to go “express” ourselves.