Your Horoscopes

Matt Taylor

For everyone out there who is hopelessly addicted to reading their “destiny” before it happens, here you go. We trust you won’t be disappointed.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)You’ve been working hard balancing classes. The workload is challenging, and someone out there feels your pain. Take a day off to relax, or you’ll get too stressed out. Otherwise, you may find yourself arguing with people, a great need to beat your roommate with the telephone he/she is talking on oh-so-much, and an intense desire to rip your hair out. Pisces (2/19-3/20)Some people will try and do a “stop and chat” with you today. You know, the whole situation where you are passing an acquaintance (notice the lack of the word “friend”) in the quad when you make eye contact, which somehow is taken by the other individual as an invitation to plant themselves directly in your path and proceed to make small talk with your still moving body, forcing you to stop and make meaningless “small talk.” For unnecessary topics to cover see the description for “Leo.”Aries (3/21-4/19)Colgate will get a little dose this week of what we like to call lake effect. You will not like this.Taurus (4/20-5/20)Winter break was good for you, perhaps a little too good. Stop drinking so much, and work harder. Planning your schedule will help.Gemini (5/21-6/21)You will love/hate this semester. In short, it will be very good/bad for your GPA.Cancer (6/22-7/22)Today you will be sitting in class, and find something one of your professors says to be incredibly retarded. If you don’t attend class, substitute “roommate” in for “professor,” namely when you wake up at 1:00pm to his/her comment of “you seem a little hungover.”Leo (7/23-8/22)You’re back from break and people pretty much everywhere are asking you how your break was. Although neither of you really consciously asked this question, you both also are not listing to the corresponding response. Refuse to make small talk with these people and just pass them by, offering no visual sign of recognition as you pass their now insulted and deflated ego. On the other hand, do answer questions from people you care about.Virgo (8/23-9-22)Something bad will happen to you today. I forget what the answer was because I got distracted by an episode of Family Guy (thanks to Fox for re-airing the show). Really, it was funny; I’m just laughing about it now that I think back. It went like this:Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?Peter: That I wouldn’t drink at the stag party.Lois: And what did you do?Peter: Drank at the stag pa… Whoa! I almost walked into that one.

Hahahaha oh man, good episode. So, long story short, just be on the, uh, lookout today.

And good luck. You may need it.Libra (9/23-10/22)You will not like the food at Frank today. In other words, Frank will be “off.”Scorpio (10/23-11/21)Campus Safety will take a minimum of 25 minutes responding to the next fire alarm set off in your dorm past midnight. Add five minutes to this time for every six inches of snow that fell that day. Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)You will slip in the snow today when walking somewhere on campus. People will laugh at you.Capricorn (12/22-1/19)You will not get the grade you wanted on your next test. Sucks for you. Guess it just wasn’t in the stars. Hahaha. Oh that’s right, I went there.