Mercury in Retro-’Gate

“Advice You Need to Hear” Edition

Scorpio (10/23 -11/22)

I know you have a strong sex drive, Scorpio, but let’s try to calm ourselves down this week and raise our standards a little bit higher.

 Sagittarius (11/23 – 12/21) 

You love adventure and entertaining others, but taking that 13th shot to make your friends laugh probably won’t lead to an adventure you’d want to go on.

 Capricorn (12/22 – 1/20)

You’re so nit-picky in that you want everything to be done your way, but try not to lose it on your roommate this week when they leave dirty dishes in the sink for a few extra hours.

 Aquarius (1/21 – 2/19)

I bet you’ve been really enthusiastic about telling your friends that you’re vegan now, Aquarius. You might want to slow your roll on the vegan front this week, because you might offend the person in line next to you who’s getting Coop tenders.

 Pisces (2/20 – 3/19) 

You are constantly zoning out, Pisces, but this week you might want to pay attention to where you’re going before you get mowed down by a cruiser.

 Aries (3/20 – 4/19)  

You probably spilled a coffee in the library café and then blamed it on someone else. Stop being so self-centered and realize that it is possible for you to be in the wrong.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/21)

Why are you holding onto a grudge about something that never even happened? Your significant other did not cheat on you with your roommate, so stop punishing them for it just because you dreamt about it. 

 Gemini (5/22 – 6/21) 

You might be feeling super paranoid this week that you’ll see an old hook-up on the quad who you definitely don’t want to see. Because of your preoccupation with the idea, it’ll probably happen. 

 Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

People will try to take advantage of you this week, Cancer, and you’ll probably let them. You like letting people walk all over you. That’s probably why you’re the friend who always ends up bringing your other drunk friends home from the Jug and taking care of them.

 Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

I know you love to get attention in any way you can, Leo, but maybe interrupting your professor in the middle of class isn’t the best way to get it. You’ll be ok if you’re not the center of attention for 50 minutes, trust me. 

 Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Although you’ll probably want to go crazy and pull out some paper towels and cleaner when someone spills beer on your carpet during the pregame, try to just relax. It can be cleaned later, and in the meantime you’re just killing the vibe. 

 Libra (9/23 – 10/22)

While you’re worried about what other people think of you, you’re avoiding thinking about what you really think of them. Lose the idea that you have to get along with everyone and start evaluating the core group you have surrounding you on campus.

Contact Karrie Spychalski at [email protected].