It is a common experience among today’s college students to undergo an awkward transitional stage with another person in which you are unsure where you stand in your relationship with them. Whether you are peers, acquaintances or good friends may be difficult to discern. In such cases, we tend to think to ourselves: How do I become closer with X, how do I set boundaries with X or how do I keep X around? The new cultural phenomenon of a ‘situationship,’ which is particularly prevalent among college students, emerged to combat this issue and to establish a liminal stage between friendship and romance. At Colgate University, I have seen many friends choose to reside in a loosely-defined transitional state for the sake of convenience or ‘low stakes’ pleasure. This is often to their own detriment though, as situationships are not a sustainable way to seek companionship but rather “a positive rebranding of a dysfunctional phobia of commitment,” according to the Institute for Family Studies.
Consider the case of student X, who is pining for a relationship with another person, student Y, though student Y is not ‘ready for a relationship’ or ‘not ready for another relationship.’ The middle ground in such cases is often a situationship. Student X is provided a false sense of commitment, and student Y is guaranteed hedonic indulgence without having to lend any emotional loyalty to their partner. Though there are marginal cases where student Y is not entirely self-interested and where student X is not so compromising, it seems to me more common that student X is taken advantage of. I have occupied both sides of this spectrum myself, and neither situation yielded good results for either party.
Meeting the emotional needs of each person in any relationship is challenging. While student X prefers rigidity and labels to ensure loyalty, student Y prefers conditions that do not imply commitment. While student X must sacrifice their desires to engage in a cracked reflection of an actual relationship, student Y retains all of their dignity as the tormentor, who dangles a carrot of commitment over their partner’s head. By doing so, not only does student X make their interests ancillary to student Y, but they also create circumstances where the end of the situationship reflects their moral shortcomings rather than the individual who thrust them into that awkward position. In a study done at the University of Memphis, researcher Tierica Gibson describes the phenomenon as “wanting the milk but not the cow.” Situationships demand milk from a person or cow that, whether by choice or circumstance, cannot produce the milk or non-commitment relationship that their partner wants.
This is not to say that student Y is entirely ill-willed or is sociopathic. Particularly after leaving another relationship, it would be difficult to whole-heartedly engage in a romance with another individual, and this may even be stipulated by student Y before anything ‘serious’ starts to come of a situationship. However, over time, this justification loses its merit. In the case where student X has never engaged in a relationship and student Y has, the demand for constant attention and affirmation may seem normal to the inexperienced partner. However, it is unfair that certain actors view the world as a vessel for their own needs. However, it is even more unfair that the victim of this mentality will likely come to see the world the same way as the cruel executioner of their needs.
At the end of the day, situationships create a critical condition where both parties have expectations that simply cannot be met. There appears to me to be little benefit to the sort of relationship structure presented in situationships. It is difficult to settle for less than you want or deserve, but it becomes an appealing option when you have pined for something for so long and are presented with an opportunity to pursue a glimmer of it.
Not all situationships are the same, and thus it is possible that the liminality of situationships may be convenient for some. However, upon deeper thinking, it becomes quite clear to me that it can yield no good result. As a so-called situationship survivor myself, I recommend that all of your relationships be explored with this critical eye. It may be in both yours and your partner’s best interests to do so.
