There is a particular loneliness that is only present when one is surrounded by many others. College life, with its constant social obligations — parties, dorm living, group projects — can all too quickly begin to feel performative and devoid of the connection that is necessary for fulfillment.
Intimacy is a means to provide meaningful connections. In a world that moves quickly, intimacy requires patience and effort. However, this endeavor is important because it is one of the things that transforms the fleeting interactions of college life into something more substantial.
Relationships, especially in college, are frequently defined by the amount of physical intimacy that occurs. Today’s hook-up culture often prioritizes physical touch — a kiss at a party, a one-night stand, a friend with benefits — and, as a result, relationships are prone to the same fate of fleeting, shallow and unsatisfying emotional connection that more often than not leaves individuals feeling emotionally unfulfilled and isolated. However, this doesn’t only pertain to romantic relationships. Platonic friendships, especially as a first-year student, can lack the depth of the friendships formed in hometowns over many years.
Personally, I think about a hug shared at the door of a dorm room as opposed to one offered on a bad day. While there is an identical physical connection, the key difference in these interactions is the emotional significance that the hug holds, which is often dictated by the emotional intimacy you share with that person. That’s not to say that every meeting will trigger an emotional connection, but in our age of increased isolation, it can be difficult to find a hug on a bad day. This, I believe, is the sharpest edge of loneliness, not the lack of people around, but the lack of people that you truly connect with.
Emotional intimacy is increasingly crucial in college, where independence can quickly turn into isolation. The hardest part is working to develop more surface-level relationships into relationships that are more substantial in their intimacy. Late-night talks, sharing meals and exploring new places on campus and in town can help to cultivate this intimacy, but there are more ways to achieve this goal.
I believe that to foster emotional intimacy, one must begin by being intentional with their interactions. Ask open-ended questions, engage in meaningful conversations and really listen to the answers. Listening forces you to set aside your narrative and create room for someone else’s. By doing so, you are more cognizant of their identity which in turn allows you to connect with them on a deeper level.
Show up for your friends, as well as for your partner, in tangible ways. Be it remembering small details about what they like or being there during difficult times. Devote time, your most precious resource, to those you care about.
Perhaps the most important part of fostering intimacy is opening yourself up and being vulnerable. Vulnerability often conjures up fear of judgment. Trust grows from mutual openness, and while discomfort is natural in the face of others’ potential opinions, mutual vulnerability is extremely conducive to developing emotional intimacy.
Fostering intimacy isn’t about perfection or even constant availability. It’s about making an effort to show up, even when life gets overwhelming. Intimacy blossoms when relationships are nurtured with care. There’s no shortcut for this, but the reward is truly worth the effort. To be heard, to be seen, to be loved — it all starts with allowing ourselves to truly connect.