Editorial Note: The author received permission to publish the events mentioned in the story.
We’ve all listened to our friends talk about the people they’re interested in romantically, whether that’s all they’ll talk about or you were given snippets that you had to beg for. What I think many people don’t know (or forget) is that the way we respond to these interactions is just as important as the encounters themselves. As listeners, we should try to put ourselves in our friend’s shoes, making them feel understood, so when you share your outside perspective, their feelings are being accounted for. We have the power to help our friends navigate mature or toxic relationships while strengthening our friendships with them.
I was on the phone with my friend from high school, Anna, a few weeks ago. She had spent her weekend visiting her friend at a different university. “It was perfect. I couldn’t have had a better, more magical weekend,” she told me. “I met this guy, and I’ve never hit it off with anyone so well before. He lives near me, so he’s planning on coming to see me during his spring break. We’ve been texting nonstop since my visit.” I was so happy to hear this. I can imagine how exciting that must have been. Knowing Anna, I’m sure she had planned this trip to see her friend way in advance and had been counting down the days. I know she was so excited to hang out with someone who knows everything about her and to be a guest in an unfamiliar place. She was probably even eager to take the bus, where she could relax and think about all the things she’d want to do with her friend, and of course, Anna, being a very sweet and social person, couldn’t wait to meet her friend’s friends.
It must have been exhilarating. In such a short amount of time, with so much new information being thrown at her, Anna also fell for a guy. It was so unexpectedly perfect. She wasn’t looking for someone, but it seems they understood each other so well, so quickly. “Indulging guys at school just feels pointless now. It has no meaning after meeting him. Nothing can compare,” Anna reflected. When his spring break came around, he did visit her. They went out to dinner, walked around campus and went to an improv and art show.
Anna was telling her friend at school all about their excursions and how much she really liked him. To which the friend said, “You shouldn’t be getting so attached. I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t go anywhere. It’s unpredictable.” I believe that to be rude. The friend did not say she was happy for Anna, acknowledge that she found something special or show any interest in Anna’s happiness. However, a fast-moving potential relationship is unpredictable, which makes it both more exciting and difficult. It’s fair for Anna’s friends to worry about her getting hurt by a guy she just met and already cares so deeply for. Could he be “love bombing” her? They keep in touch, but will they ever see each other again? How can they do long-distance when they aren’t in a relationship in the first place? This situation poses a question: as a friend, what is the correct way to express your concerns?
When you’re unsure about the person your friend pursues, I believe there are right and wrong ways to reflect it. First of all, remember that your friend is telling you about the person they like because they trust you and thus value your friendship. With that in mind, a good friend should be an attentive listener, acknowledging and expressing happiness about the good components of their relationship and not dismissing what is being said. If you dismiss what your friends say, they will feel like their opinions hold less meaning and won’t want to open up to you about things in general, not even just about romantic aspects of their life. I think Anna’s friend’s dismissiveness came from a place of love. She was worried Anna would get hurt in the long term, but in the process, she didn’t consider Anna’s feelings in the short term. Even if you perceive a friend’s relationship as problematic, it’s important to try to recognize the good components. I think asking your friends thought provoking questions is an effective way to express your concerns. This shows you care and that you’re trying to better understand their romantic relationships. Also, your questions may allow your friend to take a step back and think about their situation in a new light. For example, in addition to expressing my happiness, I asked Anna if it was scary to text him so much when she didn’t know when she would see him next.
Thankfully, Anna’s situation is not a tale of abuse, but if a friend is in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship they might not realize it immediately. Sometimes they need to talk through the ins and outs of their relationship with a person they trust, enabling realities to become clear. If the situation is more serious, there is nothing wrong with letting other trusted sources know. In any situation, sometimes the best thing you can do is make someone feel heard.
