Minus the City: Bad at Sex? Inconceivable!

 

 

Arianne Templeton

When in the course of Colgate events it becomes apparent that you’ll be expecting company in your bed that evening, it can trigger a mental checklist. Is my room a mess? Where’s my roommate? Did I leave my Spiderman footie pajamas on the floor? A million questions can pop up, and yet you’re required to maintain your game face in front of your Friend du Jour. But no matter how hard you try, or how much you’re enjoying yourself, some questions will haunt you like an X-rated Casper until the end of your days. One question in particular can be extremely nasty when it “catches you with your pants down”: Am I good at sex?

Unless you’re getting intimate with a soulless robot or someone who can’t control his or her inner monologue, no one will ever say, “You are bad at sex” to your face. They might think it, they might tell their friend, they might even write about it on their blog, but they will never tell you directly. According to The Rules of Sex, Small Campuses and the Universe (located in the Rare Books room of Case-Geyer), brutally honest criticism in the bedroom is almost never a good idea. While this courtesy is appreciated, the general acknowledgement of obligated omission makes for quite the tormented, self-searching bedfellow. Before you fall into the Pit of Sex-spair, get strapped to an age-draining machine by an anti-social Albino abstinence advocate and wind up half-naked and mostly dead, take a second and look at our chocolate-covered miracle tips for dealing with the Giant in the room*.

Tip #1: As You Wish: We’re going to be straight with you here: If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re doing it wrong. Sorry to be blunt, but that’s what they pay us…well, no bucks for. Listen, just because you may think there are certain rules, that doesn’t mean you have to follow them. The only way to escape the Fire Swamp is to think on your feet, do what feels right and remember that life is unpredictable. Everyone has their fair share of R.O.U.Ses; the question is, how are you going to tame them into charming little dormice? The answer: go with the flow, but don’t let it cramp your style.

Tip #2: Your Vote of Confidence is Overwhelming: As two of our sage and fratty Senior Column Advisors put it: You can teach someone to be better at sex; you can’t teach someone to be a better person. Constructive criticism has its time and place, and a little nudge in the right direction never hurt anybody. Don’t start shouting “BOO!” loudly at your partner when he’s not performing up to par. A little suggestion can go a long way. We don’t recommend trusting the Cosmo school of thought. 69 Ways to Please Your Man will not turn the Dread Pirate Roberts into Westley the Farm Boy overnight.

When all is said and done, just relax and have fun. Oh dear, we’re rhyming now. How’d that happen anyhow? Take our tips to heart, we mean it…. anybody want a peanut?

*If this extended metaphor is outside the realm of your Pop Culture knowledge, go rent The Princess Bride before you continue reading. It makes a great date movie, and as a bonus, we won’t automatically despise you.