Typically, “physical intimacy” connotes something sexual. At a school like Colgate University, this can allude to one-night stands, kisses at parties or friends with benefits; these interactions can leave you feeling empty afterwards, questioning whether it was worth it. Whether or not they should be, these kinds of interactions are normalized on campus. However, that is not what I am here to discuss today. I’m more concerned with other types of physical intimacy.
When I first got to campus as a first-year, I realized that I had not hugged someone in weeks. Sure, I had friends, but I had never been a particularly cuddly person. Going up to a friend and hugging them seemed unnatural, and the quick greeting or goodbye hug never felt like a real hug. I remember sitting in Frank Dining Hall with a group of other first-years I had met a few days prior and casually mentioning the fact that I hadn’t given anyone a real hug in weeks and missed this. Almost every student I was with shared my sentiment. While plenty of students were partaking in various forms of sexual physical intimacy, not too many were giving or receiving hugs.
Let’s say you aren’t a very touchy person. I’m not either. This doesn’t change the fact that hugs are good for you. One study, from the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, measured cortisol levels in first-year college students who had and had not received hugs, seeking to prove the theory that physical intimacy outside of a romantic or sexual context is still beneficial. The study found that “participants who reported more daily hugs in their social interactions had significantly smaller CARs [cortisol awakening responses] the next morning compared to days they reported fewer hugs.” Hugs make us feel safe and comforted. When we give and receive hugs, it signals to our brain and body that we are safe, thus reducing our stress levels. As the study states, “affectionate touch may act as a safety signal that is considered when anticipating stress for the next day. This reduction in anticipation of stress may result in a decrease in perceived energetic demand for the next day, reflected in reduced CARs.” Hugs have been scientifically proven to be good for you, yet their importance is not stressed nearly as much as it should be.
As I’ve already mentioned, in a setting such as Colgate, hookup culture is normalized. Kissing someone at a party and going home with them is routine. However, hugging a friend isn’t as commonplace. Yes, a quick hug as a greeting or goodbye is very normalized, but a true, meaningful hug that lasts for more than a few seconds is not. Typically, I only give out these sorts of hugs when one of my friends is distressed or seems as though they need it. I very rarely just hug my friends for the sake of hugging them. I’m not entirely sure why that is. It seems odd that we are so willing to be physically close with a stranger, but when it comes to those we actually know and care about, it can seem harder. Perhaps it is the emotional vulnerability that comes with a meaningful hug with a close friend.
If we have normalized being sexual with someone who is, essentially, a stranger, or someone we do not truly care about, then why shouldn’t we be able to normalize non-sexual physical intimacy with our friends? Hugging or cuddling with a close friend can be an expression of your love for them, just as cuddling with a romantic or sexual partner would be an expression of love and care. One should not need to seek physical intimacy solely through sex, especially if the way you are seeking sex is through a one-night stand. Although I did state that I would not discuss one-night stands here, I will note that they are not the best means of seeking out physical intimacy. We should be able to find physical intimacy elsewhere. If that means asking a close friend for a hug at a random time because you feel like you need it, do it.
