Historically, Super Bowl viewers have always needed to take a side, and that usually means cheering for a particular team to win. However, this year, an underwhelming and rather forgettable football game sandwiched itself around perhaps the most dire moral question of our times: should Americans choose goodness or badness for their halftime entertainment?
The controversy began nearly five months ago with the announcement that global music superstar Bad Bunny would headline the Super Bowl LX halftime show. Almost immediately, President Trump, other prominent Republicans and virtually every green-thumbed American who does their best to keep bad bunnies out of their gardens made sound, thoughtful arguments regarding this apparently terrible selection. Despite Bad Bunny, born Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio, being the most-streamed artist on Spotify in 2025, an alternative representing the goodness of America must be made available. This is why the conservative organization Turning Point USA (TPUSA) stepped in to provide counter-programming that represented all the goodness Americans should expect from their entertainers. The choice was obvious.
For starters, many conservatives noted that the Puerto Rican Bad Bunny is not even American, which makes sense because Puerto Rico is only an island territory of the United States. In fact, back when he was a private citizen, Donald Trump rightly questioned President Barack Obama’s status as an American due to his suspicious Hawaiian birth certificate. It is a well-established fact that true Americans are not born on islands. Americans should be able to drive fossil fuel-burning cars to visit other Americans instead of having to take a boat, as it is well known that boats are only for illegal immigrants and bass fishers.
By contrast, Turning Point USA tapped Kid Rock to headline the “All American Halftime Show,” who, by name alone, appeals to all of the good Americans who like music. Unlike Bad Bunny, who would perform mostly in Spanish (the unofficial language of our national pastime, Major League Baseball), Kid Rock speaks English, and this is football. His most famous song is “Bawitadaba,” a common English phrase only understandable by infants and Americans on a steady diet of Fox News. Those older, whiter Super Bowl watchers would be able to sway in their living room while Kid Rock crooned about “Young ladies, young ladies, I like ‘em underage / See, some say that’s statutory/ But I say it’s mandatory.” Be still, our collective American hearts. Finally, a truly uplifting — and Jeffrey Epstein-like — message in praise of defiling innocence and youth.
When showtime arrived, Trump, along with 128.2 million people around the globe, tuned in to the Bad Bunny halftime show, while 6.1 million tuned into the TPUSA alternative. Interestingly, some 15.3 million independent voters who probably only mildly dislike America decided to watch the 22nd edition of the Puppy Bowl, which adopts rescue dogs. It is well known that crowd size matters to Trump, but numbers only tell part of the story, and he reported to us on Truth Social that Bad Bunny’s show went to the dogs.
“The dancing is disgusting, especially for young children who are watching throughout the U.S.A., and all over the World,” Trump said.
Imagine the absolute horror of people watching our American football halftime show in other parts of the world. Truly vile. The NFL plays games in England, Germany, Spain, Mexico and — coming up in 2026 — France. Mon dieu! Coincidentally, these locations sound exactly like the globalist, elitist, non-English-speaking Bad Bunny world tour concert venues. Nonetheless, the global expansion of the multibillion-dollar National Football League enterprise does not give foreigners the right to watch our Super Bowl. Other countries should stick to soccer, their version of football. Or perhaps citizens of other countries could prove their loyalty by naming the starting lineup from the New Jersey Generals of the United States Football League, a team owned by Trump before it went bankrupt, like many of his business ventures.
By contrast, the other “All American Halftime Show” performers, Lee Brice, Gilbert Brantley and Gabby Barrett know about performing in the American heartland. These regional superstars performed shows in 2025 across our great nation at county fairs and music festivals in Iowa, North Dakota and Michigan, to name a few. They packed the grandstands with hundreds of people who came directly from having their jams and jellies judged and wanted to kick back and flip their green thumbs at the bad bunnies. Or perhaps they just finished watching calf roping but want to celebrate our great nation with country music and beer. Of course, these heartland patriots would never drink a craft beer from a leftist local business. They prefer their Budweiser, an American beer, owned by the Belgian multinational Anheuser-Busch InBev (AB InBev). One would surely assume that the nearly 65,000 people who attended Bad Bunny’s Mexico City concert probably swilled Corona, also owned by AB InBev, instead of an American lager.
The fact of the matter is that baby bunnies are born blind, which makes sense as Bad Bunny’s fans seem not to notice his terribleness. As for you, Dearest Gentle Reader, do not be fooled by Mr. Bunny’s parting message, “Together, we are America.” We must follow Trump and remain divided into goodness or badness. You decide who is bad.
